KiHae: Conflict (#4)

My inspiration is waning slightly, sadly. But I've come up with the perfect romance/smut idea, so I suppose I'll get to that one soon. I also would like to start a chaptered fic soon. But right now I'm really in the mood for something angsty, so... yeah, again.

Title: Conflict (#4)
Word Count: 1246
Rating: PG(-13, to be safe)
Started/Finished: 12.07.09 / 12.07.09
Music Muse: Yesung, "Love Really Hurts"
Description: He only notices when he's gone.

Conflict

0
DongHae only notices it when he's gone.

Initially, there had been no realization. The slamming of a door, the downpour of tears, the sobbing into HyukJae's shoulders -- those had all been natural, immediate reactions. Self-loathing, confusion, and sorrow -- those had all been natural, immediate emotions. But the consequences -- no. DongHae had not realized them initially.

1
He first notices the morning after, when the sun's rays pierces through his closed eyelids and forces him awake. He doesn't see anything wrong with this initially, not while his mind's gears were still beginning to turn. He hadn't gotten any sleep the previous night, so naturally he'd woken up late.

But then his brain finally overcomes morning amnesia and begins to function normally, and immediately everything feels off. First he notes the emptiness next to him, and then he wonders why the alarm clock hadn't woken him up early in the morning like it always did. But naturally, he remembers quickly.

Because KiBum always used to wake up early to spar.
But KiBum was gone.

2
He next notices when KyuHyun and SungMin invite HyukJae and him to lunch. It takes DongHae's mind off KiBum for a while, listening to his friends catch up with each others' lives. And even though seeing KyuHyun and SungMin on such good terms reminds him slightly of the relationship he himself used to have, it only registers vaguely in his mind.

But then, when it's time to pay the bill, DongHae realizes he has no money with him. He wonders why he'd be stupid enough to go out without bringing money with him, but the answer comes long before HyukJae offers to pay for him.

Because KiBum always used to pay the bill for him.
But KiBum was gone.

3
He next notices that evening, when DongHae cooks dinner for himself. He'd rejected HyukJae's offer to give him company; in truth, he knew the pity would only make him feel worse about himself. It takes much effort to convince everyone that he'll be fine for the night, but somehow he succeeds.

But in the midst of his absentmindedness, amidst stray thoughts of regret, sorrow and self-reflection, DongHae realizes that he's made too much ramen for dinner. He quickly goes back to the kitchen to package some for ShinDong, who'd be sure to enjoy it regardless of the occasion. And even though he tries his best to not give it much thought, he already knows the reason for his surplus.

Because he always used to cook for the both of them.
But KiBum was gone.

4
He next notices in the middle of the night, after waking up from a nightmare. His forehead is beaded with sweat; his breaths are raspy and come at uneven intervals. It's the same nightmare he's always experienced, the one in which for some reason no one is able to help him, the one in which he suffers alone.

"Kibummie, I'm scared," he mutters pathetically to the darkness. And in an instant he feels foolish for speaking to the silence, for almost instantly he realizes that in that silence there is no one. And though for a split second he wonders why he even bothered making the request aloud, it pains him to already know the answer.

Because KiBum always used to hold him at night whenever he had these nightmares.
But KiBum was gone.

5
DongHae stares into his phone, wondering what would happen if he tried calling KiBum. Two days have already passed since their argument, and already DongHae regrets having waited this long to apologize. But the fact that he still doesn't understand KiBum's source of rage only makes him all the more scared in apologizing, because DongHae does not want to tread on ground that might only further aid his downfall.

He searches for KiBum's name and leaves his name selected for several moments. Then, after mustering waning courage, he makes the call.

Before the phone even manages a single ring, DongHae chickens out and hangs up.

6
A day later, DongHae tries to phone KiBum once more. This time he forces himself to endure the agonizing dial tones, but upon hearing KiBum's voice on the answering machine he immediately hangs up. But he can't deny the fact that he misses hearing KiBum's voice, and the fact alone hurts him more than he ever knew.

7
In the middle of the night, perhaps a week into his solitude, DongHae attempts to reflect upon his old relationship once more. He personally felt as though he'd done nothing wrong. He'd treated KiBum well, he'd done everything the man had asked from him... he could not remember one moment in which DongHae had purposefully gone against KiBum's expressed wishes.

But it was perhaps for that reason exactly in which DongHae failed. KiBum didn't always express his wishes verbally, even though DongHae made it a point to encourage KiBum in doing so. Apparently KiBum had felt empty and unimportant, even going so far as to saying the relationship had become very one-sided.

Because KiBum found it distressing that DongHae was always eager to please him.
Because DongHae never seemed to ever ask anything of KiBum.
And now KiBum was gone.

8
DongHae wants to tell KiBum that he'd asked for nothing because he was content with the way things already were, because KiBum had already been perfect as he was. He wishes KiBum could understand that the only thing DongHae could ever ask of him is to hold him at night.

But somehow, he feels like he might never get that chance.

9
A month since the argument, and DongHae realizes that a month is too long. He wills himself to accept this change, to ignore all the reminders that insist on imprinting KiBum's presence in his heart, and to allow himself to look at the distance ahead, instead of the past behind.

He opens up to HyukJae once more, who immediately warms up to the fact that his friend has finally remembered his existence. He visits KyuHyun, SungMin, and the others more, and he begins to realize -- no, remember -- that there're others there for him, that KiBum had not been the only figure in his life. And even though the empty bed he sleeps in every night refuses to let him forget of what he once had, he slowly becomes numb to the pain.

10
DongHae sees KiBum for the first time in six months.

The meeting is awkward. DongHae manages an apology, and KiBum accepts it silently. They catch up over coffee, but only as friends.

The years of being together flood into DongHae's conscience in the half hour they spend together. How much sugar and cream KiBum puts in his drink, how he takes small sips each time, how a small bit always manages to remain on his lips -- even the direction in which he stirs -- they all provoke memories DongHae had spent months trying to forget.

When it's time to part ways, KiBum allows DongHae one last hug and one last kiss. DongHae makes it quick; he does not want to prolong a pain for longer than it needs to be.

Though neither man acknowledges it, DongHae knows this is an indefinite farewell. And as he watches KiBum walk away, he begins to truly comprehend the realization of KiBum's departure.

Because KiBum had truly been the one man DongHae saw himself spending the rest of his life with.
Because DongHae, admittedly, still loved him.
And now KiBum was gone.

END
KiHae: [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] [14] [15] [16]
(SuJu Archive)

(gets bricked for angst again)

Like I said above, I'm going to write the romance/smut one next, so I promise I don't write all angst stuff! Mianhae, please forgive me!