Apparently I get all my inspiration at 3 in the morning.
Uhm, so here are several drabbles/oneshots I came up with at 3 in the morning (see above). I guess I'll post onto communities in the new year, since I'm SUPPOSEDLY not writing in 2009 anymore. I have the strangest feeling my New Year goals for 2010 are going to fail epically.
All drabbles can be considered PG rating. Three of them have happy endings. Said three have a bit of fluff sticking out of them.
( Waiting || Kihae (#10) )
( Piano || Yewook (#2) )
( Proclamation || Kyumin (#6) )
( Fable || Eunhae (#1) )
Showing posts with label angst. Show all posts
Showing posts with label angst. Show all posts
Monday, December 21, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
KyuMin: Heart (#5)
So apparently the terms is QMi and not KyuMi. NOW I KNOW! XD I guess I should've put this under QMi, but since it really focuses more on KyuMin interaction and doesn't even mention Zhou Mi... ah well. BEWARE FOR INSANE SHORTNESS.
Title: Heart (#5)
Word Count: 190
Rating: G
Started/Finished: 12.19.09 / 12.19.09
Music Muse: Super Junior, "Puff the Magic Dragon" (OMG I CRIED LAUGHING LISTENING TO THIS)
Description: Sungmin had given him his all.
Title: Heart (#5)
Word Count: 190
Rating: G
Started/Finished: 12.19.09 / 12.19.09
Music Muse: Super Junior, "Puff the Magic Dragon" (OMG I CRIED LAUGHING LISTENING TO THIS)
Description: Sungmin had given him his all.
Heart
"Hyung, is there something I can give you? Anything I can do to make up for this...?"
Sungmin had given him his all, and everyone knew it. It wasn't something Sungmin wanted everyone knowing; he was just very bad at hiding this fact from everyone, Kyuhyun included.
Kyuhyun had known, but Kyuhyun hadn't considered him. Because in the end, Sungmin had lost.
Sungmin wished he could say it didn't hurt, to have tried so hard yet to see it all fall. But he knew his heart would catch him, accuse him of lying....
Because it did hurt.
Sungmin had given him his all, and everyone knew it. It wasn't something Sungmin wanted everyone knowing, but he hated how people saw him as "his favorite hyung," Kyuhyun included.
Sungmin knew it wasn't Kyuhyun's fault. It wasn't his fault that his heart had different interests than Sungmin's.
Right?
In the end, Sungmin had lost everything to Kyuhyun.
Because in the end, Kyuhyun had chosen Zhou Mi.
"Hyung, is there something I can give you? Anything I can do to make up for this...?"
"Kyu... can you give me back my heart?"
The goal behind this one was to portray an emotion with as few words as possible; as I'm notoriously a man of words, it was my attempt to express an emotion without ranting.
I hope I've succeeded?
Sungmin had given him his all, and everyone knew it. It wasn't something Sungmin wanted everyone knowing; he was just very bad at hiding this fact from everyone, Kyuhyun included.
Kyuhyun had known, but Kyuhyun hadn't considered him. Because in the end, Sungmin had lost.
Sungmin wished he could say it didn't hurt, to have tried so hard yet to see it all fall. But he knew his heart would catch him, accuse him of lying....
Because it did hurt.
Sungmin had given him his all, and everyone knew it. It wasn't something Sungmin wanted everyone knowing, but he hated how people saw him as "his favorite hyung," Kyuhyun included.
Sungmin knew it wasn't Kyuhyun's fault. It wasn't his fault that his heart had different interests than Sungmin's.
Right?
In the end, Sungmin had lost everything to Kyuhyun.
Because in the end, Kyuhyun had chosen Zhou Mi.
"Hyung, is there something I can give you? Anything I can do to make up for this...?"
"Kyu... can you give me back my heart?"
The goal behind this one was to portray an emotion with as few words as possible; as I'm notoriously a man of words, it was my attempt to express an emotion without ranting.
I hope I've succeeded?
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Eunhae: In Blanket's Snow: Chapter 1
As a reminder, this is primarily a FIRST-PERSON NARRATIVE.
Story Info:
Title: In Blanket's Snow
Author: J. Armstrong
Genre: Drama, Angst, Romance, slightly OoC? (if so, only slightly), post-band fic
Main Pairing(s): Eunhae, Kyumin
Side Pairing(s): Yewook, Kihae
Story Rating: PG13
Summary: Draft. Years after their disbanding, he suddenly finds himself facing a past he never wanted to deal with. And before he realizes it, he's forced to make a decision. In a fork of two roads, he can only take one.
Chapter Info:
Title: to freeze what has already melted
Rating: PG13
Word Count: 5098
Link: here
SuJu Archive: here
Sunday, December 13, 2009
KyuMin: Telephone (#4)
My chaptered fic is depressing me (not in its content, but in my lack of satisfaction in what I've written), so I guess I'll write oneshots for now.
The lack of description was on purpose. I swear it wasn't me being lazy. It's an unconventional writing style, and I'd only employ it for effect in a one-shot... since description happens to be my friend most of the time.
Title: Telephone (#4)
Word Count: 1883
Rating: G?
Started/Finished: 12.13.09 / 12.13.09
Music Muse: Super Junior, "Good luck!!" (BUT THE CHIPMUNK VERSION OMG)
Description: By the time he saw it coming, it was already much too late.
The lack of description was on purpose. I swear it wasn't me being lazy. It's an unconventional writing style, and I'd only employ it for effect in a one-shot... since description happens to be my friend most of the time.
Title: Telephone (#4)
Word Count: 1883
Rating: G?
Started/Finished: 12.13.09 / 12.13.09
Music Muse: Super Junior, "Good luck!!" (BUT THE CHIPMUNK VERSION OMG)
Description: By the time he saw it coming, it was already much too late.
Telephone
"Hyung?"
"Ah, Kyu... I didn't wake you, did I?"
"No, not at all."
"You're lying to me."
"...ah, you caught me. Sorry...."
...
"So why did you call, Sungminnie?"
"I just wanted to hear your voice again. It's been a while. Korea's lonely without you."
"Ah, Sungminnie, did you know Korea's population is --"
"--you know what I mean! I miss you~! Do you know when you all get to come back?"
"No, Hankyung doesn't know. We still have a few more shows, and then there's all the promotional stuff, so...."
"Oh, I see. Try to make it back soon, all right? I'll be waiting."
"I'll try. But ah, Sungminnie, as you guessed, you caught me sleeping. I'm gonna go back now, ya? I love you."
"You stole my line, Kyu~! Try to call every now and then, ya?"
"Yeah...."
"Hyung?"
"Ah, Kyu... I didn't wake you, did I?"
"No, not at all."
"You're lying to me."
"...ah, you caught me. Sorry...."
"You need to stop lying, Kyu!"
"I just don't want to worry you, that's all."
...
"So why did you call, Sungminnie?"
"I just wanted to hear your voice again. You never call me, so I've been lonely. Is your schedule that busy?"
"Ah, yeah... the other day we appeared on a television show in Beijing. I choked up on my Mandarin, and I probably made a fool out of myself."
"Your Mandarin's better than mine! I'm sure it wasn't that bad."
"Yeah, but when standing next to Hankyung and Mimi, I look uneducated."
"Mimi?"
"Zhou Mi, we all call him that here. I thought everyone did."
"I guess, I might've just forgotten. I mean, it's late."
"Yeah, it is.... Do you mind if I go back to sleep? I'll call you back next chance I get, promise."
"Fine, fine. You better call me though. I love you, Kyu~!"
"Yeah...."
"Hyung?"
"Ah, Kyu... I didn't wake you, did I?"
"Yeah, you did."
"No I didn't."
"...ah, I guess I've never been any good at lying."
...
"So why did you call, Sungminnie?"
"I just wanted to hear your voice. You know, you never called me like you said you would!"
"...I was busy, sorry. Schedule's been sorta rough."
"But Wookie called Yesung the other day and they talked for hours! Heechul was spazzing because Hankyung wouldn't stop talking to him in Mandarin over the phone. And Donghae even managed to call both Kibum-ah and Hyukkie yesterday!"
...
"But ah, sorry Kyu, I guess they all have their own schedules. I miss you, you know. The distance kills me."
"Ah, Sungminnie, you know that China and Korea are actually not that --"
"--you know what I mean! I can't walk over to China or anything!"
...
"Do you know when you come back, yet?"
"Hyung, you asked less than a week ago! I don't really know, sorry. Ah, do you mind if I leave our conversation here?"
"You're not going to sleep, are you? I made sure to call earlier."
"No, ah, it's just... dinner."
"Oh... right. Call back sometime, all right? I love you, Kyu."
"Yeah...."
"Hyung?"
"Ah, Kyu... I didn't wake you, did I?"
"No, not at all."
"You're lying to me."
"Actually, I wasn't."
"Really? But the sun's only just rising here, it was the only time I could call you. Why are you up so early?"
"Stuff to do."
"Ah, all right."
...
"I guess you're awake but not really awake. You want me to call back?"
"Please."
"All right, I will. Love you, Kyu."
"Yeah...."
"Hyung?"
"Ah, Kyu... I didn't wake you, did I?"
"Yeah, you did."
"Ah, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. It was the weekend and all so I figured maybe you'd be awake by now....."
"Actually hyung, I wasn't sleeping, don't worry about it."
"You really need to stop lying, Kyu. It's not going to get you anywhere in the end."
"Yeah, I know... about that...."
...
"So hyung, how was your day?"
"It's all right, I haven't had to do anything yet. Hyukkie and I are probably going out in a bit, do something with the small amount of peace we have."
"Should I be worried?"
"Hardly. You know I love you, Kyu~"
...
"Ah... Kyuhyun, can I ask you a question?"
"Yeah."
"How come you never call? Everyone else calls, you know. Not often, of course, but I mean... definitely more than you have."
"I've... been busy."
"Ah, really? But Heechul says that Hankyung sees you all the time sitting around with Zhou Mi in your free time. He says it's pretty often, too. Is it hard to make a five minute call to touch base? I'm dying over here, you know...."
...
"Ah, but I guess I'm just being a little demanding, right? Sorry, Kyu. The distance is just killing me, that's all. Do whatever you need to do, yah?"
"Hyung...."
"But try to call when you can, all right? I miss hearing your voice. Sometimes I feel like I forget what you look like. It's so stupid of me... it's only been... a month...."
"Hyung...."
"But I won't keep you waiting, I guess. Call back soon, yah? I love you, Kyu."
"Hyung... I need to...."
...
"...ah, it's nothing. I'll call you back."
"Hyung?"
"Ah, Kyu... I didn't wake you, did I?"
"Sorta, I was just napping. And sorry for not calling you back --"
"It's okay, I'm used to it now."
"...sorry."
...
"How was your day, hyung?"
"Tiring. Yours?"
"Same."
"I see."
...
"Kyu... is there something you need to tell me?"
...
"I'm not saying there is, but... if you had something important to tell me you'd say it right? I know you said you don't want me to worry or anything, but... you would still tell me, right?"
...
"Kyu?"
"I don't know, hyung. I guess it would depend. Worrying is one thing, but hurting is another."
"So if you knew something that would hurt me, you wouldn't tell me?"
"I... I don't know, hyung. If I had to I would. But I wouldn't want to be the one to hurt you."
"Even if it had nothing to do with you?"
...
"Ah, sorry, I guess I'm getting carried away. That's not the only reason why I called, I promise."
"It's fine, hyung. Uhm, maybe you could text me about it? I was sorta in the middle of something when you called. I'll call you back."
"No you won't."
...
"Sorry, I shouldn't have snapped. But you never call back."
"Hyung...."
"I'll call you later. And I love you, Kyu."
"Yeah...."
"Hyung?"
"Ah, Kyu... I didn't wake you, did I?"
"No, not at all."
"You're lying to me."
"...ah, you caught me again. Sorry...."
...
"So why did you call?"
"I just wanted to hear your voice again. And... well...."
"Hyung?"
"Kyu, I only just noticed... but why have you been calling me hyung recently?"
"I've always called you hyung."
"But you used to call me other things, too. It feels... weird. Did something happen?"
...
"Never mind, I guess I shouldn't ask. You have your reasons."
"Hyung... I should tell you something."
"Then tell me, Kyu. Please."
"I... it's nothing."
"Kyuhyun. Tell me."
"I... can't. I'm sorry, hyung. I don't want to hurt you."
"Kyu, you're hurting me by not telling me. Please, tell me?"
"Worrying isn't the same as hurting, remember? I'll... tell you later. Not now. Sorry, hyung... please trust me."
...
Please leave your recording after the beep.
Beep.
"Kyu, I guess you must've really been sleeping this time. I just called to say I'm sorry for earlier. I shouldn't pry in affairs that aren't in my reach, right? But you really do worry me, and the fact that you know something that might hurt me is... well, worrying me. Is it something I should worry about? At least tell me who it's about?
"It might be a lot to ask, but could I ask you call me back? Today wasn't that great of a day and I want someone to talk to. Plus, I miss your voice. Anyway, I'll leave you alone. I hope everyone there is doing well. Say hello to everyone for me when you get the chance, all right?"
Please leave your recording after the beep.
Beep.
"Kyu, I guess you must be busy today. Sorry for calling at a bad time. But Hyukkie was saying that you guys are coming back this week! I got excited and wanted to confirm it with you, but... I guess I caught you at a bad time.
"Call me back, please? I love you, Kyu."
Please leave your recording after the beep.
Beep.
"Kyu... Heechul was saying something the other day... I didn't want to believe it, but... I don't know. Maybe it's the same thing you've been trying to tell me all this time?
"I'm not angry with you, I promise. But... call me back. all right? We should probably talk."
Please leave your recording after the beep.
Beep.
"Kyu... am I doing something wrong?"
Please leave your recording after the beep.
Beep.
"Kyuhyun-ah, Ryeowook called me the other day and told me. I guess this is going to be the last voice message I'll leave on your phone, since I know there's no reason for me to keep doing so.
"I don't understand why you couldn't just tell me. Because you didn't want to hurt me? I don't believe it. I'm not sure what hurts more, the action itself or that you wouldn't tell me.
"I waited for you, Kyuhyun. I don't understand where I went wrong. If my calls were annoying, you should've just told me. If you couldn't deal with the distance as much as I couldn't, then you should've just said so. I thought we were both in this together--and I held out for you! But....
"There's still lots I don't understand, but I guess you not telling me anything means I was never meant to understand any of it. I'm sorry I couldn't provide for you, but it wasn't going to be forever.... I mean, you're coming home now. If you had held out a little longer, maybe things would have been fine.
"...I'm sorry I didn't notice things sooner, so that I could fix them. I hope you're happy with him though. Really, I do. Whatever makes you happy, right? But I don't think I'll be able to meet you two and the others at the airport tomorrow. Please understand.
"I'm not sure if there's anything else I want to say to you. Maybe I'll be like you and keep things to myself. I'm just sorry things went this way, sorry that I couldn't change things sooner. I don't regret any of it, though. But you better not put him through this too, all right?--especially if you stray from Super Junior M and we all go back to work on a fourth album. Because... haha... well, you'll have two men wanting your head chopped off.
"Ah, but I guess I was never good at humor like you were. Like I said, I hope you're happy. I'll catch up with you another time, all right?"
Please leave your recording after the beep.
Beep.
"Hyung...? I'm... I'm sorry."
Blah.
If you need anything explained, leave a comment. Check back in twenty-four hours, and you'll have your answer posted from me.
Blah.
"Ah, Kyu... I didn't wake you, did I?"
"No, not at all."
"You're lying to me."
"...ah, you caught me. Sorry...."
...
"So why did you call, Sungminnie?"
"I just wanted to hear your voice again. It's been a while. Korea's lonely without you."
"Ah, Sungminnie, did you know Korea's population is --"
"--you know what I mean! I miss you~! Do you know when you all get to come back?"
"No, Hankyung doesn't know. We still have a few more shows, and then there's all the promotional stuff, so...."
"Oh, I see. Try to make it back soon, all right? I'll be waiting."
"I'll try. But ah, Sungminnie, as you guessed, you caught me sleeping. I'm gonna go back now, ya? I love you."
"You stole my line, Kyu~! Try to call every now and then, ya?"
"Yeah...."
"Hyung?"
"Ah, Kyu... I didn't wake you, did I?"
"No, not at all."
"You're lying to me."
"...ah, you caught me. Sorry...."
"You need to stop lying, Kyu!"
"I just don't want to worry you, that's all."
...
"So why did you call, Sungminnie?"
"I just wanted to hear your voice again. You never call me, so I've been lonely. Is your schedule that busy?"
"Ah, yeah... the other day we appeared on a television show in Beijing. I choked up on my Mandarin, and I probably made a fool out of myself."
"Your Mandarin's better than mine! I'm sure it wasn't that bad."
"Yeah, but when standing next to Hankyung and Mimi, I look uneducated."
"Mimi?"
"Zhou Mi, we all call him that here. I thought everyone did."
"I guess, I might've just forgotten. I mean, it's late."
"Yeah, it is.... Do you mind if I go back to sleep? I'll call you back next chance I get, promise."
"Fine, fine. You better call me though. I love you, Kyu~!"
"Yeah...."
"Hyung?"
"Ah, Kyu... I didn't wake you, did I?"
"Yeah, you did."
"No I didn't."
"...ah, I guess I've never been any good at lying."
...
"So why did you call, Sungminnie?"
"I just wanted to hear your voice. You know, you never called me like you said you would!"
"...I was busy, sorry. Schedule's been sorta rough."
"But Wookie called Yesung the other day and they talked for hours! Heechul was spazzing because Hankyung wouldn't stop talking to him in Mandarin over the phone. And Donghae even managed to call both Kibum-ah and Hyukkie yesterday!"
...
"But ah, sorry Kyu, I guess they all have their own schedules. I miss you, you know. The distance kills me."
"Ah, Sungminnie, you know that China and Korea are actually not that --"
"--you know what I mean! I can't walk over to China or anything!"
...
"Do you know when you come back, yet?"
"Hyung, you asked less than a week ago! I don't really know, sorry. Ah, do you mind if I leave our conversation here?"
"You're not going to sleep, are you? I made sure to call earlier."
"No, ah, it's just... dinner."
"Oh... right. Call back sometime, all right? I love you, Kyu."
"Yeah...."
"Hyung?"
"Ah, Kyu... I didn't wake you, did I?"
"No, not at all."
"You're lying to me."
"Actually, I wasn't."
"Really? But the sun's only just rising here, it was the only time I could call you. Why are you up so early?"
"Stuff to do."
"Ah, all right."
...
"I guess you're awake but not really awake. You want me to call back?"
"Please."
"All right, I will. Love you, Kyu."
"Yeah...."
"Hyung?"
"Ah, Kyu... I didn't wake you, did I?"
"Yeah, you did."
"Ah, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. It was the weekend and all so I figured maybe you'd be awake by now....."
"Actually hyung, I wasn't sleeping, don't worry about it."
"You really need to stop lying, Kyu. It's not going to get you anywhere in the end."
"Yeah, I know... about that...."
...
"So hyung, how was your day?"
"It's all right, I haven't had to do anything yet. Hyukkie and I are probably going out in a bit, do something with the small amount of peace we have."
"Should I be worried?"
"Hardly. You know I love you, Kyu~"
...
"Ah... Kyuhyun, can I ask you a question?"
"Yeah."
"How come you never call? Everyone else calls, you know. Not often, of course, but I mean... definitely more than you have."
"I've... been busy."
"Ah, really? But Heechul says that Hankyung sees you all the time sitting around with Zhou Mi in your free time. He says it's pretty often, too. Is it hard to make a five minute call to touch base? I'm dying over here, you know...."
...
"Ah, but I guess I'm just being a little demanding, right? Sorry, Kyu. The distance is just killing me, that's all. Do whatever you need to do, yah?"
"Hyung...."
"But try to call when you can, all right? I miss hearing your voice. Sometimes I feel like I forget what you look like. It's so stupid of me... it's only been... a month...."
"Hyung...."
"But I won't keep you waiting, I guess. Call back soon, yah? I love you, Kyu."
"Hyung... I need to...."
...
"...ah, it's nothing. I'll call you back."
"Hyung?"
"Ah, Kyu... I didn't wake you, did I?"
"Sorta, I was just napping. And sorry for not calling you back --"
"It's okay, I'm used to it now."
"...sorry."
...
"How was your day, hyung?"
"Tiring. Yours?"
"Same."
"I see."
...
"Kyu... is there something you need to tell me?"
...
"I'm not saying there is, but... if you had something important to tell me you'd say it right? I know you said you don't want me to worry or anything, but... you would still tell me, right?"
...
"Kyu?"
"I don't know, hyung. I guess it would depend. Worrying is one thing, but hurting is another."
"So if you knew something that would hurt me, you wouldn't tell me?"
"I... I don't know, hyung. If I had to I would. But I wouldn't want to be the one to hurt you."
"Even if it had nothing to do with you?"
...
"Ah, sorry, I guess I'm getting carried away. That's not the only reason why I called, I promise."
"It's fine, hyung. Uhm, maybe you could text me about it? I was sorta in the middle of something when you called. I'll call you back."
"No you won't."
...
"Sorry, I shouldn't have snapped. But you never call back."
"Hyung...."
"I'll call you later. And I love you, Kyu."
"Yeah...."
"Hyung?"
"Ah, Kyu... I didn't wake you, did I?"
"No, not at all."
"You're lying to me."
"...ah, you caught me again. Sorry...."
...
"So why did you call?"
"I just wanted to hear your voice again. And... well...."
"Hyung?"
"Kyu, I only just noticed... but why have you been calling me hyung recently?"
"I've always called you hyung."
"But you used to call me other things, too. It feels... weird. Did something happen?"
...
"Never mind, I guess I shouldn't ask. You have your reasons."
"Hyung... I should tell you something."
"Then tell me, Kyu. Please."
"I... it's nothing."
"Kyuhyun. Tell me."
"I... can't. I'm sorry, hyung. I don't want to hurt you."
"Kyu, you're hurting me by not telling me. Please, tell me?"
"Worrying isn't the same as hurting, remember? I'll... tell you later. Not now. Sorry, hyung... please trust me."
...
Please leave your recording after the beep.
Beep.
"Kyu, I guess you must've really been sleeping this time. I just called to say I'm sorry for earlier. I shouldn't pry in affairs that aren't in my reach, right? But you really do worry me, and the fact that you know something that might hurt me is... well, worrying me. Is it something I should worry about? At least tell me who it's about?
"It might be a lot to ask, but could I ask you call me back? Today wasn't that great of a day and I want someone to talk to. Plus, I miss your voice. Anyway, I'll leave you alone. I hope everyone there is doing well. Say hello to everyone for me when you get the chance, all right?"
Please leave your recording after the beep.
Beep.
"Kyu, I guess you must be busy today. Sorry for calling at a bad time. But Hyukkie was saying that you guys are coming back this week! I got excited and wanted to confirm it with you, but... I guess I caught you at a bad time.
"Call me back, please? I love you, Kyu."
Please leave your recording after the beep.
Beep.
"Kyu... Heechul was saying something the other day... I didn't want to believe it, but... I don't know. Maybe it's the same thing you've been trying to tell me all this time?
"I'm not angry with you, I promise. But... call me back. all right? We should probably talk."
Please leave your recording after the beep.
Beep.
"Kyu... am I doing something wrong?"
Please leave your recording after the beep.
Beep.
"Kyuhyun-ah, Ryeowook called me the other day and told me. I guess this is going to be the last voice message I'll leave on your phone, since I know there's no reason for me to keep doing so.
"I don't understand why you couldn't just tell me. Because you didn't want to hurt me? I don't believe it. I'm not sure what hurts more, the action itself or that you wouldn't tell me.
"I waited for you, Kyuhyun. I don't understand where I went wrong. If my calls were annoying, you should've just told me. If you couldn't deal with the distance as much as I couldn't, then you should've just said so. I thought we were both in this together--and I held out for you! But....
"There's still lots I don't understand, but I guess you not telling me anything means I was never meant to understand any of it. I'm sorry I couldn't provide for you, but it wasn't going to be forever.... I mean, you're coming home now. If you had held out a little longer, maybe things would have been fine.
"...I'm sorry I didn't notice things sooner, so that I could fix them. I hope you're happy with him though. Really, I do. Whatever makes you happy, right? But I don't think I'll be able to meet you two and the others at the airport tomorrow. Please understand.
"I'm not sure if there's anything else I want to say to you. Maybe I'll be like you and keep things to myself. I'm just sorry things went this way, sorry that I couldn't change things sooner. I don't regret any of it, though. But you better not put him through this too, all right?--especially if you stray from Super Junior M and we all go back to work on a fourth album. Because... haha... well, you'll have two men wanting your head chopped off.
"Ah, but I guess I was never good at humor like you were. Like I said, I hope you're happy. I'll catch up with you another time, all right?"
Please leave your recording after the beep.
Beep.
"Hyung...? I'm... I'm sorry."
Blah.
If you need anything explained, leave a comment. Check back in twenty-four hours, and you'll have your answer posted from me.
Blah.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
KyuMin: Happy (#3)
Just a short drabble. Unbeta-ed, as always. Sowwy in advance~
PS: SungMin is my new favorite, even though KiHae still remains in my heart.
Title: Happy (#3)
Word Count: 608
Rating: G?
Started/Finished: 12.10.09 / 12.10.09
Music Muse: BoA, "White Wishes"
Description: Happy probably isn't the best adjective you could have used.
PS: SungMin is my new favorite, even though KiHae still remains in my heart.
Title: Happy (#3)
Word Count: 608
Rating: G?
Started/Finished: 12.10.09 / 12.10.09
Music Muse: BoA, "White Wishes"
Description: Happy probably isn't the best adjective you could have used.
Happy
Happy was what they all used to describe SungMin.
There was really no reason not to, though. There was hardly a moment in which SungMin was not seen smiling, whether at his fans or amongst the other members of Super Junior. He was also a very talented individual, and he seemed to always enjoy himself in the many areas in which he was talented. There really was no reason for someone of his capability to be anything but Happy.
That was what they all said.
SungMin, personally, would not have used that adjective to describe himself. It was quite easy for someone of his nature to fake a smile, to wear a mask to hide an unhappiness that was supposedly uncharacteristic of him. But it wasn't to say that SungMin was never Happy; he just wasn't Happy often.
No one was aware of this difference in perspective, however -- and SungMin made sure to keep it that way. No one would really understand him if they knew he was unhappy. They would call him talented and capable, and then they would tell SungMin that he could conquer whatever was plaguing him because there was nothing he couldn't do.
He was an expert at martial arts, he danced magnificently, he could cook, he could sing... the list went on. But thought while they all thought that list could never end, SungMin knew better than to believe them.
In fact, SungMin knew exactly where that list of things ended. It was true, when things were in his power, he was quite skilled in getting tasks done. But there were also things that could not be accomplished by his willpower and determination alone.
So his list ended where reliance on others became necessary. If they could not perform, then he in turn could not perform either. Therefore, there actually were things he could not do.
Not to say that all things he couldn't accomplish were things that made him unhappy, though. It was just that when things made him unhappy, they were usually things he could not accomplish or fix on his own. And it was because of these things that SungMin would never describe himself as being Happy.
Nowadays, "these things" usually meant Cho KyuHyun. Things in the plural, as in not being able to talk to KyuHyun more than he already did. In the plural, as in not being able to hug the younger man whenever he said something incredibly dorky, or at least not without his feelings getting in the way. Things in the plural, as in having said feelings get in the way of their friendship. Or maybe plural, as in just KyuHyun himself.
KyuHyun always made him the most unhappy, whether he did it willingly or not. Whether it was KyuHyun choosing Starcraft over answering SungMin's phone call, him being out of the country for painfully long periods of time, or him simply being out of SungMin's reach in more ways than physically, the younger man was always doing something that made SungMin unhappy.
And they were never really things SungMin could settle on his own.
His downfall.
But no one would ever know the unhappiness KyuHyun brought him -- not even KyuHyun himself. Because they would never understand. They wouldn't understand that SungMin was actually incapable of certain things. In this case, they wouldn't understand that SungMin was actually incapable of pursuing and attaining KyuHyun for himself.
So instead, SungMin wore the smiles as he always did, keeping his troubles within the mask he placed between the world and himself.
And this was why Happy was what they all used to describe SungMin.
I wrote too many happy fics recently, so I had to write this one. Sorry.
I absolutely love how many people are using the Like and Dislike buttons! However, if you really do have time to leave a comment, I would really appreciate those more. But I still thank you for your efforts~!
Also, does anyone know if there's an LJ community for KyuMin? I mean obviously, there is, but like... what is it? Lol. But I feel like most people read miracle______ anyway, so I guess it really isn't necessary to my fics known there.
There was really no reason not to, though. There was hardly a moment in which SungMin was not seen smiling, whether at his fans or amongst the other members of Super Junior. He was also a very talented individual, and he seemed to always enjoy himself in the many areas in which he was talented. There really was no reason for someone of his capability to be anything but Happy.
That was what they all said.
SungMin, personally, would not have used that adjective to describe himself. It was quite easy for someone of his nature to fake a smile, to wear a mask to hide an unhappiness that was supposedly uncharacteristic of him. But it wasn't to say that SungMin was never Happy; he just wasn't Happy often.
No one was aware of this difference in perspective, however -- and SungMin made sure to keep it that way. No one would really understand him if they knew he was unhappy. They would call him talented and capable, and then they would tell SungMin that he could conquer whatever was plaguing him because there was nothing he couldn't do.
He was an expert at martial arts, he danced magnificently, he could cook, he could sing... the list went on. But thought while they all thought that list could never end, SungMin knew better than to believe them.
In fact, SungMin knew exactly where that list of things ended. It was true, when things were in his power, he was quite skilled in getting tasks done. But there were also things that could not be accomplished by his willpower and determination alone.
So his list ended where reliance on others became necessary. If they could not perform, then he in turn could not perform either. Therefore, there actually were things he could not do.
Not to say that all things he couldn't accomplish were things that made him unhappy, though. It was just that when things made him unhappy, they were usually things he could not accomplish or fix on his own. And it was because of these things that SungMin would never describe himself as being Happy.
Nowadays, "these things" usually meant Cho KyuHyun. Things in the plural, as in not being able to talk to KyuHyun more than he already did. In the plural, as in not being able to hug the younger man whenever he said something incredibly dorky, or at least not without his feelings getting in the way. Things in the plural, as in having said feelings get in the way of their friendship. Or maybe plural, as in just KyuHyun himself.
KyuHyun always made him the most unhappy, whether he did it willingly or not. Whether it was KyuHyun choosing Starcraft over answering SungMin's phone call, him being out of the country for painfully long periods of time, or him simply being out of SungMin's reach in more ways than physically, the younger man was always doing something that made SungMin unhappy.
And they were never really things SungMin could settle on his own.
His downfall.
But no one would ever know the unhappiness KyuHyun brought him -- not even KyuHyun himself. Because they would never understand. They wouldn't understand that SungMin was actually incapable of certain things. In this case, they wouldn't understand that SungMin was actually incapable of pursuing and attaining KyuHyun for himself.
So instead, SungMin wore the smiles as he always did, keeping his troubles within the mask he placed between the world and himself.
And this was why Happy was what they all used to describe SungMin.
I wrote too many happy fics recently, so I had to write this one. Sorry.
I absolutely love how many people are using the Like and Dislike buttons! However, if you really do have time to leave a comment, I would really appreciate those more. But I still thank you for your efforts~!
Also, does anyone know if there's an LJ community for KyuMin? I mean obviously, there is, but like... what is it? Lol. But I feel like most people read miracle______ anyway, so I guess it really isn't necessary to my fics known there.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
KiHae: Conflict (#4)
My inspiration is waning slightly, sadly. But I've come up with the perfect romance/smut idea, so I suppose I'll get to that one soon. I also would like to start a chaptered fic soon. But right now I'm really in the mood for something angsty, so... yeah, again.
Title: Conflict (#4)
Word Count: 1246
Rating: PG(-13, to be safe)
Started/Finished: 12.07.09 / 12.07.09
Music Muse: Yesung, "Love Really Hurts"
Description: He only notices when he's gone.
0
DongHae only notices it when he's gone.
Initially, there had been no realization. The slamming of a door, the downpour of tears, the sobbing into HyukJae's shoulders -- those had all been natural, immediate reactions. Self-loathing, confusion, and sorrow -- those had all been natural, immediate emotions. But the consequences -- no. DongHae had not realized them initially.
1
He first notices the morning after, when the sun's rays pierces through his closed eyelids and forces him awake. He doesn't see anything wrong with this initially, not while his mind's gears were still beginning to turn. He hadn't gotten any sleep the previous night, so naturally he'd woken up late.
But then his brain finally overcomes morning amnesia and begins to function normally, and immediately everything feels off. First he notes the emptiness next to him, and then he wonders why the alarm clock hadn't woken him up early in the morning like it always did. But naturally, he remembers quickly.
Because KiBum always used to wake up early to spar.
But KiBum was gone.
2
He next notices when KyuHyun and SungMin invite HyukJae and him to lunch. It takes DongHae's mind off KiBum for a while, listening to his friends catch up with each others' lives. And even though seeing KyuHyun and SungMin on such good terms reminds him slightly of the relationship he himself used to have, it only registers vaguely in his mind.
But then, when it's time to pay the bill, DongHae realizes he has no money with him. He wonders why he'd be stupid enough to go out without bringing money with him, but the answer comes long before HyukJae offers to pay for him.
Because KiBum always used to pay the bill for him.
But KiBum was gone.
3
He next notices that evening, when DongHae cooks dinner for himself. He'd rejected HyukJae's offer to give him company; in truth, he knew the pity would only make him feel worse about himself. It takes much effort to convince everyone that he'll be fine for the night, but somehow he succeeds.
But in the midst of his absentmindedness, amidst stray thoughts of regret, sorrow and self-reflection, DongHae realizes that he's made too much ramen for dinner. He quickly goes back to the kitchen to package some for ShinDong, who'd be sure to enjoy it regardless of the occasion. And even though he tries his best to not give it much thought, he already knows the reason for his surplus.
Because he always used to cook for the both of them.
But KiBum was gone.
4
He next notices in the middle of the night, after waking up from a nightmare. His forehead is beaded with sweat; his breaths are raspy and come at uneven intervals. It's the same nightmare he's always experienced, the one in which for some reason no one is able to help him, the one in which he suffers alone.
"Kibummie, I'm scared," he mutters pathetically to the darkness. And in an instant he feels foolish for speaking to the silence, for almost instantly he realizes that in that silence there is no one. And though for a split second he wonders why he even bothered making the request aloud, it pains him to already know the answer.
Because KiBum always used to hold him at night whenever he had these nightmares.
But KiBum was gone.
5
DongHae stares into his phone, wondering what would happen if he tried calling KiBum. Two days have already passed since their argument, and already DongHae regrets having waited this long to apologize. But the fact that he still doesn't understand KiBum's source of rage only makes him all the more scared in apologizing, because DongHae does not want to tread on ground that might only further aid his downfall.
He searches for KiBum's name and leaves his name selected for several moments. Then, after mustering waning courage, he makes the call.
Before the phone even manages a single ring, DongHae chickens out and hangs up.
6
A day later, DongHae tries to phone KiBum once more. This time he forces himself to endure the agonizing dial tones, but upon hearing KiBum's voice on the answering machine he immediately hangs up. But he can't deny the fact that he misses hearing KiBum's voice, and the fact alone hurts him more than he ever knew.
7
In the middle of the night, perhaps a week into his solitude, DongHae attempts to reflect upon his old relationship once more. He personally felt as though he'd done nothing wrong. He'd treated KiBum well, he'd done everything the man had asked from him... he could not remember one moment in which DongHae had purposefully gone against KiBum's expressed wishes.
But it was perhaps for that reason exactly in which DongHae failed. KiBum didn't always express his wishes verbally, even though DongHae made it a point to encourage KiBum in doing so. Apparently KiBum had felt empty and unimportant, even going so far as to saying the relationship had become very one-sided.
Because KiBum found it distressing that DongHae was always eager to please him.
Because DongHae never seemed to ever ask anything of KiBum.
And now KiBum was gone.
8
DongHae wants to tell KiBum that he'd asked for nothing because he was content with the way things already were, because KiBum had already been perfect as he was. He wishes KiBum could understand that the only thing DongHae could ever ask of him is to hold him at night.
But somehow, he feels like he might never get that chance.
9
A month since the argument, and DongHae realizes that a month is too long. He wills himself to accept this change, to ignore all the reminders that insist on imprinting KiBum's presence in his heart, and to allow himself to look at the distance ahead, instead of the past behind.
He opens up to HyukJae once more, who immediately warms up to the fact that his friend has finally remembered his existence. He visits KyuHyun, SungMin, and the others more, and he begins to realize -- no, remember -- that there're others there for him, that KiBum had not been the only figure in his life. And even though the empty bed he sleeps in every night refuses to let him forget of what he once had, he slowly becomes numb to the pain.
10
DongHae sees KiBum for the first time in six months.
The meeting is awkward. DongHae manages an apology, and KiBum accepts it silently. They catch up over coffee, but only as friends.
The years of being together flood into DongHae's conscience in the half hour they spend together. How much sugar and cream KiBum puts in his drink, how he takes small sips each time, how a small bit always manages to remain on his lips -- even the direction in which he stirs -- they all provoke memories DongHae had spent months trying to forget.
When it's time to part ways, KiBum allows DongHae one last hug and one last kiss. DongHae makes it quick; he does not want to prolong a pain for longer than it needs to be.
Though neither man acknowledges it, DongHae knows this is an indefinite farewell. And as he watches KiBum walk away, he begins to truly comprehend the realization of KiBum's departure.
Because KiBum had truly been the one man DongHae saw himself spending the rest of his life with.
Because DongHae, admittedly, still loved him.
And now KiBum was gone.
Like I said above, I'm going to write the romance/smut one next, so I promise I don't write all angst stuff! Mianhae, please forgive me!
Title: Conflict (#4)
Word Count: 1246
Rating: PG(-13, to be safe)
Started/Finished: 12.07.09 / 12.07.09
Music Muse: Yesung, "Love Really Hurts"
Description: He only notices when he's gone.
Conflict
0
DongHae only notices it when he's gone.
Initially, there had been no realization. The slamming of a door, the downpour of tears, the sobbing into HyukJae's shoulders -- those had all been natural, immediate reactions. Self-loathing, confusion, and sorrow -- those had all been natural, immediate emotions. But the consequences -- no. DongHae had not realized them initially.
1
He first notices the morning after, when the sun's rays pierces through his closed eyelids and forces him awake. He doesn't see anything wrong with this initially, not while his mind's gears were still beginning to turn. He hadn't gotten any sleep the previous night, so naturally he'd woken up late.
But then his brain finally overcomes morning amnesia and begins to function normally, and immediately everything feels off. First he notes the emptiness next to him, and then he wonders why the alarm clock hadn't woken him up early in the morning like it always did. But naturally, he remembers quickly.
Because KiBum always used to wake up early to spar.
But KiBum was gone.
2
He next notices when KyuHyun and SungMin invite HyukJae and him to lunch. It takes DongHae's mind off KiBum for a while, listening to his friends catch up with each others' lives. And even though seeing KyuHyun and SungMin on such good terms reminds him slightly of the relationship he himself used to have, it only registers vaguely in his mind.
But then, when it's time to pay the bill, DongHae realizes he has no money with him. He wonders why he'd be stupid enough to go out without bringing money with him, but the answer comes long before HyukJae offers to pay for him.
Because KiBum always used to pay the bill for him.
But KiBum was gone.
3
He next notices that evening, when DongHae cooks dinner for himself. He'd rejected HyukJae's offer to give him company; in truth, he knew the pity would only make him feel worse about himself. It takes much effort to convince everyone that he'll be fine for the night, but somehow he succeeds.
But in the midst of his absentmindedness, amidst stray thoughts of regret, sorrow and self-reflection, DongHae realizes that he's made too much ramen for dinner. He quickly goes back to the kitchen to package some for ShinDong, who'd be sure to enjoy it regardless of the occasion. And even though he tries his best to not give it much thought, he already knows the reason for his surplus.
Because he always used to cook for the both of them.
But KiBum was gone.
4
He next notices in the middle of the night, after waking up from a nightmare. His forehead is beaded with sweat; his breaths are raspy and come at uneven intervals. It's the same nightmare he's always experienced, the one in which for some reason no one is able to help him, the one in which he suffers alone.
"Kibummie, I'm scared," he mutters pathetically to the darkness. And in an instant he feels foolish for speaking to the silence, for almost instantly he realizes that in that silence there is no one. And though for a split second he wonders why he even bothered making the request aloud, it pains him to already know the answer.
Because KiBum always used to hold him at night whenever he had these nightmares.
But KiBum was gone.
5
DongHae stares into his phone, wondering what would happen if he tried calling KiBum. Two days have already passed since their argument, and already DongHae regrets having waited this long to apologize. But the fact that he still doesn't understand KiBum's source of rage only makes him all the more scared in apologizing, because DongHae does not want to tread on ground that might only further aid his downfall.
He searches for KiBum's name and leaves his name selected for several moments. Then, after mustering waning courage, he makes the call.
Before the phone even manages a single ring, DongHae chickens out and hangs up.
6
A day later, DongHae tries to phone KiBum once more. This time he forces himself to endure the agonizing dial tones, but upon hearing KiBum's voice on the answering machine he immediately hangs up. But he can't deny the fact that he misses hearing KiBum's voice, and the fact alone hurts him more than he ever knew.
7
In the middle of the night, perhaps a week into his solitude, DongHae attempts to reflect upon his old relationship once more. He personally felt as though he'd done nothing wrong. He'd treated KiBum well, he'd done everything the man had asked from him... he could not remember one moment in which DongHae had purposefully gone against KiBum's expressed wishes.
But it was perhaps for that reason exactly in which DongHae failed. KiBum didn't always express his wishes verbally, even though DongHae made it a point to encourage KiBum in doing so. Apparently KiBum had felt empty and unimportant, even going so far as to saying the relationship had become very one-sided.
Because KiBum found it distressing that DongHae was always eager to please him.
Because DongHae never seemed to ever ask anything of KiBum.
And now KiBum was gone.
8
DongHae wants to tell KiBum that he'd asked for nothing because he was content with the way things already were, because KiBum had already been perfect as he was. He wishes KiBum could understand that the only thing DongHae could ever ask of him is to hold him at night.
But somehow, he feels like he might never get that chance.
9
A month since the argument, and DongHae realizes that a month is too long. He wills himself to accept this change, to ignore all the reminders that insist on imprinting KiBum's presence in his heart, and to allow himself to look at the distance ahead, instead of the past behind.
He opens up to HyukJae once more, who immediately warms up to the fact that his friend has finally remembered his existence. He visits KyuHyun, SungMin, and the others more, and he begins to realize -- no, remember -- that there're others there for him, that KiBum had not been the only figure in his life. And even though the empty bed he sleeps in every night refuses to let him forget of what he once had, he slowly becomes numb to the pain.
10
DongHae sees KiBum for the first time in six months.
The meeting is awkward. DongHae manages an apology, and KiBum accepts it silently. They catch up over coffee, but only as friends.
The years of being together flood into DongHae's conscience in the half hour they spend together. How much sugar and cream KiBum puts in his drink, how he takes small sips each time, how a small bit always manages to remain on his lips -- even the direction in which he stirs -- they all provoke memories DongHae had spent months trying to forget.
When it's time to part ways, KiBum allows DongHae one last hug and one last kiss. DongHae makes it quick; he does not want to prolong a pain for longer than it needs to be.
Though neither man acknowledges it, DongHae knows this is an indefinite farewell. And as he watches KiBum walk away, he begins to truly comprehend the realization of KiBum's departure.
Because KiBum had truly been the one man DongHae saw himself spending the rest of his life with.
Because DongHae, admittedly, still loved him.
And now KiBum was gone.
(gets bricked for angst again)
Like I said above, I'm going to write the romance/smut one next, so I promise I don't write all angst stuff! Mianhae, please forgive me!
Friday, December 4, 2009
KiHae: Boxing (#2)
This is part of an unofficial 100-word challenge that I've given myself, so don't hold anything against me if I don't make it to a hundred. =)
Again, I'm still fairly new to SuJu fanfiction, so please let me know if I'm doing a good or bad job, if I've got characters portrayed nicely, etc.!
Title: Boxing (#2)
Word Count: 1456
Rating: PG(-13, to be safe)
Started/Finished: 12.04.09 / 12.04.09
Music Muse: Super Junior, "Happiness"
Description: Boxing helps KiBum cope.
He didn't notice it at first. He was too absorbed to notice anything, really. He threw fist after fist at the punching bag before him, and with each impact a loud echo reverberated through the room. Perhaps it was because of this that KiBum had missed hearing his phone ring, though the boy had been gone enough in his own world to blame the deed on his concentration.
Thankfully the unknown caller was persistent, as it had taken KiBum a good fifteen minutes to realize that someone was calling him. He allowed himself to catch his breath for several seconds and to take off his gloves before walking over to his phone, but his heart rate immediately quickened once more at the sight of the Caller ID.
KiBum was at a loss of emotions. On one hand, the man had not called him for almost a week now, and so KiBum was near thrilled that DongHae finally had the time to touch base with him. Yet on the other hand, DongHae would surely be able to note the frustration and unease in his voice when they talked, and KiBum already knew how much of a pain it was to deal with a worrisome DongHae.
Gulping down his uncertainties he flipped open his phone to answer the call, only to find that he had missed the call. A mixed feeling of guilt and relief swept over him, but the latter was overrun when he'd noticed the number of calls he'd missed since last checking his phone. If he hadn't felt guilty previously he certainly did now; KiBum was almost impressed that DongHae had bothered to call him thirty-one times in a span of fifteen minutes, except now he was fearful that DongHae might've actually had a reason to call to begin with.
Before KiBum could decide what to say when he returned the call, his phone began blaring its "U" ring tone once more. Though he didn't know how to apologize to DongHae for thirty-one missed calls, he did know missing a thirty-second was no good. And so, even if he didn't have the words ready in his mouth, he nevertheless flipped open his phone once more and spoke.
"Ah... hyung," he began, failing to hide his lack of grandiloquence. "Sorry for the missed calls, I was busy sparring."
"Figured," was the simple reply on the other side. KiBum frowned; why had there been no "KIBUMMIE I MISSED YOUUU!" or "SORRY FOR NOT CALLING FOR SO LONG KIBUM-AH, I WAS BUSYYY!" ? Or at least, that was usually how their long-distance calls had started....
KiBum always understood, though, when DongHae said he was busy with his schedule. He was somewhere in China doing things with Super Junior M, after all, and KiBum was sure they were all about business. Sometimes he wondered late into the night what DongHae was doing and how everyone else was treating him, and in those moments he would get jealous of everyone who got to be in his physical presence; all the way in America, there were no Super Junior members to keep him company.
He spent most of these days sparring with the punching bag, as was the case today. It was a suitable release for him, and nowadays it seemed he needed a lot of it. His mother's illness did not help any, and the lack of good news always led to KiBum's knuckles bleeding from working out too much. But there were other reasons for his sparring, reasons he would never let anyone but his own conscience hear....
"Kibum-ah," DongHae's voice rang suddenly, a hint of irritation in his tone; "I didn't call thirty-two times to listen to you space out."
"Ah, sorry, hyung." Then, on a more comedic note, KiBum added: "Wait, you counted?"
"Yeah. I lost count at around sixteen though, but my phone reminded me."
Another wave of guilt washed through KiBum. "Sorry...."
"Ah, Kibummie!" Donghae said with a laugh. "I didn't stay up this late to listen to your apologies!"
"What time is it there?" KiBum asked, not in the mood to do the time zone calculations himself."
"About two in the morning?"
"Hyung!" exclaimed KiBum, who was now searching the room for a chair to settle into. "You have a schedule tomorrow, you need to sleep!"
"Counterproductive," DongHae said quietly. In the distance KiBum found his target and began picking up his feet towards the chair. "I wouldn't have fallen asleep anyway," the man added.
KiBum frowned. "Why not?"
"Because I wanted to talk to you." KiBum found no response to give in return. In a way he was touched, that even amidst his events and schedules in China DongHae still thought about him. But he was also struggling to keep his mind strictly to the spoken words, in an attempt to prevent his imagination from departing on trains of wishful thought....
"Kibum-ah," DongHae said again, "stop spacing out. If I'm not spacing out, you shouldn't either."
"Sorry," KiBum said, though he quickly realized his mistake and added, "Ah, sorry for the sorry."
"We're getting nowhere," DongHae said with a laugh, and KiBum was sure he could hear DongHae jump onto a nearby mattress. At first he felt sorry for the person who'd been sleeping innocently on that bed previously, but then he began to wonder who that person was... and before KiBum could stop himself he began to feel pangs of jealousy for the person sharing that bed with DongHae....
"How's your mother?" asked Donghae in a serious tone, effectively changing the conversation topic and distracting KiBum from his torturous thoughts.
"Not well." The two talked for a while after that. Their conversation stayed on KiBum's mother for a good five or ten minutes, but KiBum quickly found the conversation veering towards other matters. Soon they were talking about Super Junior M's successes and plans for the future, KiBum's expected return to Korea, when exactly the two would get to see each other....
"KiBummie, I miss you. Don't forget, okay?"
"Yeah," KiBum mumbled. He wanted to return the favor, to tell his hyung that he felt the same way about the distance between them, perhaps more than DongHae himself felt. But he couldn't find the words to say it, even knowing that "I miss you too" would have sufficed. But it was more than that; he just didn't know a word that was stronger than simply missing him.
Loving him.
No. I could never tell him that.
"You don't miss me, Kibum-ah?" asked DongHae, as if having read his mind. And despite all of KiBum's internal protests, despite KiBum's desire to express something more meaningful to his friend to illustrate to him what exactly it was he felt... instead, he'd said "I do, hyung."
Their conversation ended shortly afterwards. DongHae had wished him sweet dreams, even though it wasn't time to sleep where KiBum was. Yet he couldn't help but to cringe at the remark, unable to make the suitable response he wanted to. DongHae had probably been too sleepy by then to wait for a goodbye, but long after the line went dead KiBum felt pathetic enough to mutter "Saranghae, DongHae" into his phone.
He sat motionless for several moments, but in the end wishful thinking and his emotions got the best of him. He got up and returned to the punching bag, placing the gloves back over his knuckles. He struck hard this time, letting out every drop of voice in a concentrated roar of frustration. He was angry, saddened, emotionally unstable.
In his mind, a picture of DongHae and him, caught in mid-laughter.
A fist into the punching bag, and the picture faded.
In his mind, a picture of DongHae holding onto him, watching the sun set in the distance.
Another fist, and it was gone.
In his mind, a future with DongHae.
One strike and it shattered to a thousand pieces.
The pain in his heart was beginning to numb. His mother's illness plagued him only minimally in this state. Even the pain DongHae brought was now only a slight prickly feeling. But DongHae was still there, as was his mother's illness.
As of late, boxing was KiBum's way of coping. Coping never got rid of the problem, but it wasn't what KiBum was after. He was letting free his anger over his uselessness in his mother's illness so that later he could accept her state and move on to other things, like being there for her, as her strong son.
By that wind, KiBum was allowing himself to vent his anger now.
So that later, he could accept that a future with DongHae surely could not exist.
(gets bricked for angsty ending)
The weird thing is that I was listening to "Happiness" while writing this. What a terrible contrast, if I do say so myself.
J. Armstrong.
Again, I'm still fairly new to SuJu fanfiction, so please let me know if I'm doing a good or bad job, if I've got characters portrayed nicely, etc.!
Title: Boxing (#2)
Word Count: 1456
Rating: PG(-13, to be safe)
Started/Finished: 12.04.09 / 12.04.09
Music Muse: Super Junior, "Happiness"
Description: Boxing helps KiBum cope.
Boxing
He didn't notice it at first. He was too absorbed to notice anything, really. He threw fist after fist at the punching bag before him, and with each impact a loud echo reverberated through the room. Perhaps it was because of this that KiBum had missed hearing his phone ring, though the boy had been gone enough in his own world to blame the deed on his concentration.
Thankfully the unknown caller was persistent, as it had taken KiBum a good fifteen minutes to realize that someone was calling him. He allowed himself to catch his breath for several seconds and to take off his gloves before walking over to his phone, but his heart rate immediately quickened once more at the sight of the Caller ID.
이동해
KiBum was at a loss of emotions. On one hand, the man had not called him for almost a week now, and so KiBum was near thrilled that DongHae finally had the time to touch base with him. Yet on the other hand, DongHae would surely be able to note the frustration and unease in his voice when they talked, and KiBum already knew how much of a pain it was to deal with a worrisome DongHae.
Gulping down his uncertainties he flipped open his phone to answer the call, only to find that he had missed the call. A mixed feeling of guilt and relief swept over him, but the latter was overrun when he'd noticed the number of calls he'd missed since last checking his phone. If he hadn't felt guilty previously he certainly did now; KiBum was almost impressed that DongHae had bothered to call him thirty-one times in a span of fifteen minutes, except now he was fearful that DongHae might've actually had a reason to call to begin with.
Before KiBum could decide what to say when he returned the call, his phone began blaring its "U" ring tone once more. Though he didn't know how to apologize to DongHae for thirty-one missed calls, he did know missing a thirty-second was no good. And so, even if he didn't have the words ready in his mouth, he nevertheless flipped open his phone once more and spoke.
"Ah... hyung," he began, failing to hide his lack of grandiloquence. "Sorry for the missed calls, I was busy sparring."
"Figured," was the simple reply on the other side. KiBum frowned; why had there been no "KIBUMMIE I MISSED YOUUU!" or "SORRY FOR NOT CALLING FOR SO LONG KIBUM-AH, I WAS BUSYYY!" ? Or at least, that was usually how their long-distance calls had started....
KiBum always understood, though, when DongHae said he was busy with his schedule. He was somewhere in China doing things with Super Junior M, after all, and KiBum was sure they were all about business. Sometimes he wondered late into the night what DongHae was doing and how everyone else was treating him, and in those moments he would get jealous of everyone who got to be in his physical presence; all the way in America, there were no Super Junior members to keep him company.
He spent most of these days sparring with the punching bag, as was the case today. It was a suitable release for him, and nowadays it seemed he needed a lot of it. His mother's illness did not help any, and the lack of good news always led to KiBum's knuckles bleeding from working out too much. But there were other reasons for his sparring, reasons he would never let anyone but his own conscience hear....
"Kibum-ah," DongHae's voice rang suddenly, a hint of irritation in his tone; "I didn't call thirty-two times to listen to you space out."
"Ah, sorry, hyung." Then, on a more comedic note, KiBum added: "Wait, you counted?"
"Yeah. I lost count at around sixteen though, but my phone reminded me."
Another wave of guilt washed through KiBum. "Sorry...."
"Ah, Kibummie!" Donghae said with a laugh. "I didn't stay up this late to listen to your apologies!"
"What time is it there?" KiBum asked, not in the mood to do the time zone calculations himself."
"About two in the morning?"
"Hyung!" exclaimed KiBum, who was now searching the room for a chair to settle into. "You have a schedule tomorrow, you need to sleep!"
"Counterproductive," DongHae said quietly. In the distance KiBum found his target and began picking up his feet towards the chair. "I wouldn't have fallen asleep anyway," the man added.
KiBum frowned. "Why not?"
"Because I wanted to talk to you." KiBum found no response to give in return. In a way he was touched, that even amidst his events and schedules in China DongHae still thought about him. But he was also struggling to keep his mind strictly to the spoken words, in an attempt to prevent his imagination from departing on trains of wishful thought....
"Kibum-ah," DongHae said again, "stop spacing out. If I'm not spacing out, you shouldn't either."
"Sorry," KiBum said, though he quickly realized his mistake and added, "Ah, sorry for the sorry."
"We're getting nowhere," DongHae said with a laugh, and KiBum was sure he could hear DongHae jump onto a nearby mattress. At first he felt sorry for the person who'd been sleeping innocently on that bed previously, but then he began to wonder who that person was... and before KiBum could stop himself he began to feel pangs of jealousy for the person sharing that bed with DongHae....
"How's your mother?" asked Donghae in a serious tone, effectively changing the conversation topic and distracting KiBum from his torturous thoughts.
"Not well." The two talked for a while after that. Their conversation stayed on KiBum's mother for a good five or ten minutes, but KiBum quickly found the conversation veering towards other matters. Soon they were talking about Super Junior M's successes and plans for the future, KiBum's expected return to Korea, when exactly the two would get to see each other....
"KiBummie, I miss you. Don't forget, okay?"
"Yeah," KiBum mumbled. He wanted to return the favor, to tell his hyung that he felt the same way about the distance between them, perhaps more than DongHae himself felt. But he couldn't find the words to say it, even knowing that "I miss you too" would have sufficed. But it was more than that; he just didn't know a word that was stronger than simply missing him.
Loving him.
No. I could never tell him that.
"You don't miss me, Kibum-ah?" asked DongHae, as if having read his mind. And despite all of KiBum's internal protests, despite KiBum's desire to express something more meaningful to his friend to illustrate to him what exactly it was he felt... instead, he'd said "I do, hyung."
Their conversation ended shortly afterwards. DongHae had wished him sweet dreams, even though it wasn't time to sleep where KiBum was. Yet he couldn't help but to cringe at the remark, unable to make the suitable response he wanted to. DongHae had probably been too sleepy by then to wait for a goodbye, but long after the line went dead KiBum felt pathetic enough to mutter "Saranghae, DongHae" into his phone.
He sat motionless for several moments, but in the end wishful thinking and his emotions got the best of him. He got up and returned to the punching bag, placing the gloves back over his knuckles. He struck hard this time, letting out every drop of voice in a concentrated roar of frustration. He was angry, saddened, emotionally unstable.
In his mind, a picture of DongHae and him, caught in mid-laughter.
A fist into the punching bag, and the picture faded.
In his mind, a picture of DongHae holding onto him, watching the sun set in the distance.
Another fist, and it was gone.
In his mind, a future with DongHae.
One strike and it shattered to a thousand pieces.
The pain in his heart was beginning to numb. His mother's illness plagued him only minimally in this state. Even the pain DongHae brought was now only a slight prickly feeling. But DongHae was still there, as was his mother's illness.
As of late, boxing was KiBum's way of coping. Coping never got rid of the problem, but it wasn't what KiBum was after. He was letting free his anger over his uselessness in his mother's illness so that later he could accept her state and move on to other things, like being there for her, as her strong son.
By that wind, KiBum was allowing himself to vent his anger now.
So that later, he could accept that a future with DongHae surely could not exist.
The weird thing is that I was listening to "Happiness" while writing this. What a terrible contrast, if I do say so myself.
J. Armstrong.
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